4 Simple Ways to Support Your Loved Ones When They Come Out

Coming out is one of the most important and most difficult moments in any LGBTQ+ person's life. However, the main thing they want from this experience is simple: Support.

All LGBTQ+ people want to be accepted by their friends and family and supported in the life they are living.

LGBTQ+ youth are especially vulnerable and concerned with not receiving support from their friends and family and struggle to come out even years after they have discovered their identity.

And as we all know, the longer you hold on to a secret, the harder it is to admit it.

This can be helped by having open and honest discussions about the acceptance of LGBTQ+ people in your family and friend groups. Let your friends and loved ones know your stance on LGBTQ+ people. Sometimes it can be hard to bring up a subject like this in normal conversation, so starting with something like, "I feel bad for the negativity still directed toward LGBTQ people today," or "I hope LGBTQ people know Jesus loves them too," or even, "Do you think I'm someone LGBTQ people would feel comfortable around?" can spark important conversations and have a huge impact. If you really get stuck, you can even quote this post by saying something like, "I saw something online that said a lot of LGBTQ people still have a really hard time coming out. Have you ever had anyone come out to you?"

Sometimes though, even if these discussions are held, it can still be difficult to come out, for fear that even if someone accepts LGBTQ+ people in society or acquaintances, they won't be accepted as loved ones.

Coming out is also very risky for LGBTQ+ people, and it's important as their loved ones to make them feel like they have a safe space to be themselves.

86% of LGBTQ+ teens today experience verbal harassment at their schools. 25% report being physically attacked at school. Over half of LGBTQ+ youth fear being disowned by their parents after coming out (with almost 10% actually getting kicked out of their homes).

So how can we show support for our loved ones and respond positively when they do decide to come out?

1. Use Appropriate Language

Depending on how someone identifies with their gender or sexuality, there might be new words you'll have to learn to use when talking to or about them. Using these words correctly helps to affirm their identify and will help improve your relationship with them as their friend, family, or loved one. Sometimes it can take a bit of practice to get used to using these words, but try to not make a big deal out of it, even if you get it wrong. If you mess up, acknowledge that you did, apologize, and move on while making an honest effort to not mess up next time.

Just be sure to really make an effort to use the right words once your loved one has come out to you.

These words can include:

• Their pronouns : If someone comes out as a gender different than the one they were assigned at birth, they will most likely be using new pronouns from that point on. For example, if someone who was assigned female as their birth sex comes out as transgender and tells you that they are a man, they will most likely be using he/him pronouns. Another example could be if someone comes out as nonbinary (which means that they are neither male nor female), they most likely will use they/them pronouns. Using they/them pronouns can sound odd to some people at first, but it is still important to practice using them for the sake of your loved one who has come out. You might be surprised that you have already used they/them pronouns before. For instance, if you see someone left a jacket on a chair, you might say, "someone left their jacket here" or "I hope they find it." The important thing to remember is to practice, and if you make a mistake, acknowledge it, apologize, and move on.

• Relationship language: If someone has come out and said that they are not straight (or heterosexual), there can be new ways you might have to phrase questions or other things when it comes to their romantic relationships. For example, if you know a woman who has come out as a lesbian, instead of asking her, "Have you met any guys/men you like recently?" you'll ask instead, "Have you met any girls/women you like recently?' This one might seem like an obvious change to some people, but making a mistake with this can be disheartening to your loved ones who come out to you, so it's important to make this change. It's also important to ask how you should refer to someone's significant other when your loved one is in a new relationship or newly married. The word "partner" seems like it is the common title for LGBTQ+ significant others, however not everyone prefers this and would like to use boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, or another title. Asking is always better than assuming, and remember to respect the answer you are given.

2. Educate Yourself

By reading this post, you're already doing this one, so great job!

Educating yourself about your loved one's identity and the LGBTQ+ community as a whole is a fantastic way to become more supportive of your loved one during their coming out journey.

The LGBTQ+ community has been through a lot of ups and downs throughout history. And, contrary to popular belief, gay, nonbinary, transgender, and people of many other identities have been around for centuries.

When educating yourself, it is important to remember that not all resources are positive or accurate. For this reason, it is important to look at multiple perspectives. If you're unsure where to start, you can check out some of the resources we have already used under the Family & Ally Resources section of our Resources page.

Educating yourself doesn't just have to include looking up things on the internet or reading books either. Many podcasts and even movies and shows can help broaden your understanding of the LGBTQ+ community.

Here are some that we recommend to get you started:

• Queer Theology (Podcast): Queer Theology is the longest running LGBTQ+ Christian podcast! After 7 years of following the lectionary, we’re switching it up! From interviews with incredible guests like Amy-Jill Levine, Namoli Brennet, Joy Ladin, Emmy Kegler, Trey Pearson, Dr. Pamela Lightsey (and so many others!) and series on books from the Bible, Sunday School Sex Ed, Scary Things You Might Have Been Taught In Church, and so much more!

• Disclosure (Documentary Film): In this Netflix documentary, leading trans creatives and thinkers share heartfelt perspectives and analysis about Hollywood's impact on the trans community.

• Love, Victor (Fictional TV Series, Comedy/Drama/Romance): Victor is a new student at Creekwood High School on his own journey of self-discovery, facing challenges at home, adjusting to a new city, and struggling with his sexual orientation.

While educating yourself, it can be helpful to share what you have learned with your loved one who came out. This will let them know that you are honestly trying to understand them better and can bring you closer. It could also help them to learn new things as well, however, please understand that this is primarily THEIR journey, and while they may welcome the help, remember to respect how fast or slow they want to progress on their journey, or how little they may want to talk about it in the beginning.

3. Make Sure You Have Their Consent Before Outing Them

Learning more about your loved one can be very exciting! It can also be confusing or even stressful. All of these things might make you want to discuss it with someone or tell people about it. BUT WAIT! Before telling anyone about your loved one's identity as an LGBTQ+ person, make sure you ask them if it is okay first! This applies to telling family members, friends, coworkers, your hair dresser, or even your spouse (even if your child is the one that came out). Coming out is a decision that can only be made by the person who is revealing their identity as a member of the LGBTQ+ community.

"But what if my child told me they are nonbinary and I want to try to use they/them pronouns for them all the time now?"

That's great! But make sure it's okay with your child first! They might not be ready for their friends, teachers, or other family members to know yet. Be patient, and ask them when they might be ready. If they don't know yet, continue to be patient and respect their boundaries.

"But what if my best friend told me they're gay and I know someone who might be great for them? It's okay if it's someone they don't know yet isn't it? I can tell them right?"

Nope! You never know how word can travel, and it could be really embarrassing or even dangerous if the wrong person finds out your friend is gay before they're ready. On a separate point, you also don't know if your friend is ready to date yet. It's very common that after a person comes out it may take them a while to be ready to date, so make sure you ask them about their boundaries before trying to set them up.

"But I'm having some trouble working through how I feel about my sister being transgender. Can I talk to my therapist about it?"

This situation can be a little tricky, but it's still always best to ask. If you're worried about embarrassing your sister or making it seem like a negative thing, try saying something like, "I tell my therapist everything to keep them caught up with my life, so is it okay if I tell them that you recently came out to me?" Remember to be honest and respect her decision.

"But I'm not trying to be hurtful, I'm proud of them!"

That's so great! Make sure you tell them that you're proud of them, but even if you're not trying to be hurtful, you never know how other people might react, and who those people might tell. When your loved one tells you it's okay to tell someone else their identity as an LGBTQ+ person, then please feel free to express how proud you are!

"But my brother has told told his friends, our whole family, and his coworkers that he's bisexual. Can I tell my new boyfriend?"

Nope! Even if he's out to everyone he knows, your new boyfriend is a new person to him. He might want to meet your new boyfriend first or know him for a little longer before telling him or letting you tell him.

Always remember to ask before you tell!

4. Ask Polite Questions

Having questions is very common, even expected, when someone in your life comes out. However, some questions can be hurtful. Even if you are honestly curious about some things, it is important to try not to offend your loved one. But this doesn't mean you shouldn't ask any questions. asking polite questions can actually help your loved one to know that you care and want to understand them better.

Here are some examples of questions that could be hurtful, and how to rephrase them:

• Instead of asking, "How do you know you're gay if you've never been with anyone/a girl/a guy?" try asking, "What made you realize that you're gay?"

• Instead of asking, "How can you be a boy if you like boys and played with dolls when you were little?" try asking, "What are some experiences or thoughts you've had that made you realize you're a boy?"

• Instead of asking, "How are you going to find someone to date or marry if you're not a man or woman?" try asking, "What would you say your sexuality is now, or what kind of person would you want to go out with now that you identify as nonbinary?"

• Instead of asking, "Do you think this is just a phase?" try asking, "What can I do to help you during this new chapter in your life?"

• Instead of asking, "So do I have to learn a bunch of new things just to talk to you now?" try asking, "I'm still a little confused because this is new to me, can you explain it a little more?"

And ALWAYS remember to think before you speak, be patient, and respect their boundaries. They are not required to answer every question you may have, and it's up to you to try to understand and be respectful of that.

The most important thing to remember after your friend, family member, or loved one comes out, is that they need your support.

Coming out is an exciting and scary time. Make sure you're someone they can trust and rely on to be in their corner, even if others are not.

Remember to act and react with LOVE!

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." ~1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Let us know in the comments or send us a message if you have any questions!

And feel free to share experiences with your loved ones coming out to you (but remember to ask them first!) We would love to hear your stories!